Saturday, July 01, 2006

I wish Charles Band would've thought of...

1. The Leprechaun series. Just imagine Phil Fondacaro as the limerick-spoutin' killer! It really would've fit the Full Moon franchise well. Just as Band was opening up to Alchemy Entertainment/Big City Pictures for their lame brand of "urban horror", Warwick Davis was goin' Back 2 tha Hood!

2. The Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. Hmmmm. It's 1984 and Charles Band's Empire Pictures is set to release the most profitable film it will ever make (bad publicity makes money): Stuart Gordon's Silent Night, Deadly Night, starring Jeffrey Combs as our axe-wielding Saint Nick! In sequels 6 and 7, released some time after the Paramount well dries up, Band can add helpful homicidal elves that can be turned into marketable toys!

3. The Carnosaur flicks. Look, it's simple: Band had all of the props and shtick ready from the Prehysteria kiddie films! How much cooler would it have been to have Brinke Stevens, Julie Strain and Karen Smith running topless from some lame-o dinos?

4. The Barbarians! I'm sorry, but the Barbarian Brothers meet the Band Brothers is just too easy. Charlie produces, Albert directs (I know, I know, it's his kid!), and Richard scores the 80's synthesizer music. It would've coincided perfectly with Full Moon. The first flick could've been the R-rated scifi/horror/actioner with some boobs, puppets, and cheap efx. And then, just as the Barbs did anyway, Band could've prodded them into his burgeoning kidvids.

5. The Mad Max Trilogy. Mel friggin' Gibson?? Naw. Try Tim Thomerson on for size. See how easy that just rolls off the tongue....Tim Thomerson is Mad Max. Cool. Tough. And blighted wasteland one-liners. Sure, Full Moon would've never gotten Tina Turner for Thunderdome, but Grace Jones was available and can sing too!

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