Review: Petrified (2006)

2 out of 5 full moons

Petrified is Charles Band's latest attempt at comic book-y camp-y horror. The premise fits well within the Full Moon family: during a botched artifact sale by some shady hustlers, the blood of an old guy leaks onto the mummified remains of an alien, resurrecting said alien, who chases one of the hustlers back to a nympho-rehab center.

The final product is not good. Not funny in the least. The "horror" effects look like 15 minutes with Mac's iFilm, and sluggish pacing sets the action (what little there is) in between long expository plot dumps from our boring characters. Even the hotties aren't all that hot.

The "house" that makes up the nympho-rehab center looks like the house from Doll Graveyard. Later in the film as the action moves to the basement, you'd swear that an industrial warehouse was located under the ground at the house.

The mummy itself is well done: the only reason I've opted for a "2" rating. The highlight of the flick is the mummy observing some lesbian fondling (not for the un-hot fondling, but for the mummy's reactions).

A one-word review of "putrified" would be sufficient. So, let's all pray together that Evil Bong will be worth a look when it's released in a couple of weeks....