Review: Petrified (2006)

2 out of 5 full moons

Petrified is Charles Band's latest attempt at comic book-y camp-y horror. The premise fits well within the Full Moon family: during a botched artifact sale by some shady hustlers, the blood of an old guy leaks onto the mummified remains of an alien, resurrecting said alien, who chases one of the hustlers back to a nympho-rehab center.

The final product is not good. Not funny in the least. The "horror" effects look like 15 minutes with Mac's iFilm, and sluggish pacing sets the action (what little there is) in between long expository plot dumps from our boring characters. Even the hotties aren't all that hot.

The "house" that makes up the nympho-rehab center looks like the house from Doll Graveyard. Later in the film as the action moves to the basement, you'd swear that an industrial warehouse was located under the ground at the house.

The mummy itself is well done: the only reason I've opted for a "2" rating. The highlight of the flick is the mummy observing some lesbian fondling (not for the un-hot fondling, but for the mummy's reactions).

A one-word review of "putrified" would be sufficient. So, let's all pray together that Evil Bong will be worth a look when it's released in a couple of weeks....

Review: Alien Arsenal (1999)

2 out of 5 full moons.

I've really gone and crapped on the toilet this time. You see, Alien Arsenal isn't just a Full Moon pic. It's part of the Full Moon-meets-Disney Channel-dreckfest that is Full Moon's ActionFX/PulsePounders line of PG-13 Dave DeCouteau films. I've been dreading watching these ever since I started this stupid blog.

The only reason I'm steering away from a one-rating, is the lead actor, Josh Hammond who plays a good nerd. He's sort of Corey Haim, and he keeps the movie moving through all of it's Power Rangers efx and gaping plot-holes. The tomboy sidekick is played well by Danielle Hoover, but that's about the end of my niceties.

The movie's premise is really simple: Aliens have left an arsenal in the basement of the high school and now that it's been opened by our leads, they're gonna destroy the planet. They equip the head bully in Alien gear to be archnemesis to our nerd hero in alien gear. Unfortunately, the script or DeCouteau, or both, seem to believe that we need to be spoonfed the plot in a bunch of worthless conversations which make up half of the film.

When the action does happen, it's terribly inept, and we get a series of Commodore 64 blips and laser efx to enhance the fights. Yawn. The aliens themselves are introduced as 3 Kraut-rock twins at school and there is a bit of humor to them that quickly wears off.

The whole flick wears off after about 30 minutes. Pass on it.

Other Reviews: TrenchMan (really fun review), SF H and F Reviews.

Review: Trancers 3: Deth Lives (1992)

2 out of 5 full moons

I've always considered T3 the weakest of the franchise, and upon re-viewing, I'm now convinced of this. Sure, 4 and 5 were "Romanian" Full Moons, but they had a bit more energy to them. With that said, Deth Lives is, of course, a must-watch for Full Moon fans, since this is really the franchise franchise.

What this installment lacks in momentum, it more than makes up for in one-liners. Jack gets to share zingers with a partner/trancette. And, for the last time in the series (so far, anyway), all the gang is back together: wife Helen Hunt, ex-wife Megan Ward, engineer/commander Telma Hopkins, and commander Raines.

Best Quote: Jack: "Hey, I've got a little lag here, and itsa helluvan adjustment!"

Shark: "Adjust to the adjustment."

So, anyway, the top trancer baddie in this one is Col. Daddy Muthah, played by Dirty Harry's nemesis, Andrew Robinson, with a southern accent and a whole bunch of military trancers at his beck-and-call (for superhuman, trancerized soldiers they do get killed real easy...).

I guess a 2 is a harsh rating, but I got bored at times watching this one. And, while it was nice to see Helen Hunt again, it was pretty boring and had lame efx. If you're like me and know what "Only squids can be tranced, baby" means, you'll rent/buy and enjoy.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, shnltv.

Review: Demonicus (2001)

2 out of 5 stars

Jay Woelfel's Demonicus is a Full Moon-as-shot-on-video steaming pile. The plot is moronic, and the acting is so bad I cringed. Repeatedly.

The saving grace of the production is not the dull pacing, nor the pitiful cave set, nor the dull bad guy, nor the one-dimensional victims; rather, it's the mountains. I gather the film was shot somewhere around Big Bear out there in Cullyfornia (Ah-nold country), and the scenery is really majestic and well shot.

The plot is the possession of a college kid by a long-buried gladiator's spirit who then goes out hunting his friends in the mountains so he can make a body-part stew, hum a few lines of latin, and resurrect the gladiator himself. A few of the kills are fun and ugly, but most of it is typical Full Moonish dullness. The shots are held too long exposing the gore as really fake. (sidenote: when is Band and his editors ever going to realize that fewer frames means less of a low-budgetness look to their gore and mayhem?)

I'm not going to spend all day on this one, racking my brain for something nice to say like I did for my Witchouse review and a few others. I'm just gonna sit here for a few moments and think about the $2.50 I wasted renting this dreck...

Other reviews: MicrocinemaScene, The Smartmarks, Badmovieplanet.

Review: Decadent Evil (2005)

2 of 5 stars

Another 2-star flick, this one part of the newer incarnation of Full Moon, called Full Moon Features, a subsidiary of Wizard Entertainment. Another 70-minute movie, if you count the long credits and the stock footage from Vampire Journals.

The plot for Decadent Evil is easy enough to follow, since the whole plot is divulged in a boring series of plot dumps and throwaway scenes that make up most of the movie.

Best Quote: Dex: "Alright guys, take your hands out of your pants and put them together for Cashmere. And, remember tipping is not a country in China...."

I can't believe I thought this, but: the opening strip club scene is way too long, or way too boring, or mostly some of both. Luckily there are just enough highlights to get you through to the superb ending.

Phil Fondacaro has a few good lines, but is a pretty inept "badass vampire killer" carrying a big duffel bag with nothing more than some garlic powder, and two dull, wooden stakes. The other highlight would be the terrible written opening kills with the Joe Pesci soundalike and his reluctant-to-go-to-a-stripclub-and-get-in-a-threesome girl.

And then we get to the ending. An ending I could never get enough of. A laugh-out-loud ending that ranks as one of the best cinematic denouments of all time!

Other reviews: ColdFusion, the Horror Channel.

Review: Witchouse 2: Blood Coven (2000)

2 out of 5 stars

Another Witchouse (this one, Blood Coven), another Romanian shoot. The film, like the first, is set in Covington county, MA, but was shot in and around Full Moon's Castel Studios in Bucharest. The "haunted house" exteriors is a local crematorium.

Best Quote: Soderquist: "If Clark could only use the power in his nasal passages for good instead of evil..."

Ok, so your question must be: How did that fullmoonreviewguy give the sequel a higher mark than the original? The answer is a bit complicated, because they both stink. But, really people, there's just not much difference between 1 and 2 stars....

The only thing (or, I should say, person) keeping Blood Coven's head above water is the casting of Andrew Prine (of Grizzly fame!) in a dual role. While he's not given much to work with in an uninspired script, there's something about that is eminently watchable.

You'll notice a bunch of "home movie" footage, I guess, cashing in on the Blair Witch craze the year prior (although director Bookwalter says it's an homage to his old movies directed in Cleveland...please...). The townspeople interviews shot in video were the only compelling thing in the flick, to be honest.

The build-up is ok. But the last fifteen minutes are some of the poorest creature v. human battles I've seen. Maybe worse than the Power Rangers. The special effects are so poor, and the action so dull, you'll be amazed that Band had this Bookwalter guy direct more crapfests for Full Moon.

Save your money.

Other Reviews: Joe Bob, Video Graveyard.

Review: Witchouse (1999)

Tagline: "Evil Beyond Evil..."

2 out of 5 stars

I have a hard time with Dave DeCoteau movies, in general. Like most Albert Pyun suckfests, they drag, are confusing, and the gore is mishandled. Unfortunately, Witchouse is no different.

Set in Dunwich, MA, the film was shot at Full Moon's Castel Studios in Romania. Exteriors were shot in and around Bucharest.

Best Quote: Jack: "We're not in high school anymore, Bob. Why don't you put down the bong and realizet that!?"

There's not much to recommend here except for the sets and the Killjoy-ish teeth on the witches. The home wiring lesson from our applied-sciences major hero, Jack, is neat and actually becomes important later on....

I've got a laundry list of problems with the film, but I'll stick with 3 here:

1. The fake thunder and lightning is incessant. VERY, VERY ANNOYING. Only halfway through the movie and I was yelling at the screen...

2. The pace severely drags at several different points. So much of the movie is plot dumps and throwaway scenes that when anything resembling "film magic" happens you feel relieved. The "seance" is actually a 5-minute monologue. Ugh.

3. The deaths are really poorly executed (hehe, no pun intended...man I kill me!). Usually a Full Moon highlight, the deaths in this film are incredibly ill-shot and dull. The opening "knifings" are 8th grade level home movie quality.

The only reason this movie gets a "2" from me is because I think they tried.