Review: Petrified (2006)

2 out of 5 full moons

Petrified is Charles Band's latest attempt at comic book-y camp-y horror. The premise fits well within the Full Moon family: during a botched artifact sale by some shady hustlers, the blood of an old guy leaks onto the mummified remains of an alien, resurrecting said alien, who chases one of the hustlers back to a nympho-rehab center.

The final product is not good. Not funny in the least. The "horror" effects look like 15 minutes with Mac's iFilm, and sluggish pacing sets the action (what little there is) in between long expository plot dumps from our boring characters. Even the hotties aren't all that hot.

The "house" that makes up the nympho-rehab center looks like the house from Doll Graveyard. Later in the film as the action moves to the basement, you'd swear that an industrial warehouse was located under the ground at the house.

The mummy itself is well done: the only reason I've opted for a "2" rating. The highlight of the flick is the mummy observing some lesbian fondling (not for the un-hot fondling, but for the mummy's reactions).

A one-word review of "putrified" would be sufficient. So, let's all pray together that Evil Bong will be worth a look when it's released in a couple of weeks....

Review: Backlash: Oblivion 2 (1996)

4 out of 5 full moons

Oblivion and Oblivion 2 are easily the best non-R-rated Full Moon flicks I've seen.

Backlash picks up where the first ended: Zach is the new sheriff, his friends Stella (Meg Foster) and Buteo (Jimmie F. Skaggs) are his deputies, Lash is still teamed up with dumb-but-strong Irwin Keyes (yes, Jaws from James Bond), and so on, and so on.

It's a scifi western, love triangle, mystery thriller all rolled into one. Sweeney, the galaxy's most feared bounty hunter, rolls into Oblivion looking for an arch-criminal in disguise. Zach immediately offers up Lash as the bad mama, but soon realized she's not the one. Stuff happens for an hour and we end up with another giant scorpion finale.

Maybe the best role in the whole thing goes to George Takei's bumbling doctor/mad scientist, Doc Valentine whose penchant for drunken rambling turns out quite funny.

Review: Alien Arsenal (1999)

2 out of 5 full moons.

I've really gone and crapped on the toilet this time. You see, Alien Arsenal isn't just a Full Moon pic. It's part of the Full Moon-meets-Disney Channel-dreckfest that is Full Moon's ActionFX/PulsePounders line of PG-13 Dave DeCouteau films. I've been dreading watching these ever since I started this stupid blog.

The only reason I'm steering away from a one-rating, is the lead actor, Josh Hammond who plays a good nerd. He's sort of Corey Haim, and he keeps the movie moving through all of it's Power Rangers efx and gaping plot-holes. The tomboy sidekick is played well by Danielle Hoover, but that's about the end of my niceties.

The movie's premise is really simple: Aliens have left an arsenal in the basement of the high school and now that it's been opened by our leads, they're gonna destroy the planet. They equip the head bully in Alien gear to be archnemesis to our nerd hero in alien gear. Unfortunately, the script or DeCouteau, or both, seem to believe that we need to be spoonfed the plot in a bunch of worthless conversations which make up half of the film.

When the action does happen, it's terribly inept, and we get a series of Commodore 64 blips and laser efx to enhance the fights. Yawn. The aliens themselves are introduced as 3 Kraut-rock twins at school and there is a bit of humor to them that quickly wears off.

The whole flick wears off after about 30 minutes. Pass on it.

Other Reviews: TrenchMan (really fun review), SF H and F Reviews.

Review: Trancers 4: Jack of Swords (1994)

3 out of 5 full moons.

In Trancers 4, we find Jack returning to the future (his present). He's got Shark's head as a lampshade now, and instead of a Trancer-hunter, he's now a timecop. Big whoop.

There seems to be a disturbance in the time continuum in Kansas and so Jack climbs into his little phone booth looking time-machine. He gets accosted by an alien and is sent, instead, to some alternate dimension where people are scared of some sword-wielding trancer nobles. Basically, he's sent to Full Moon studios in Romania where they can film both Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 at the same time to save money and be able to afford Thomerson.

Jack gets some sweet one-liners and some duds (you just know there's gonna be a "This doesn't look like Kansas" line). Unfortunately, Jack also gets his ass kicked. All the time. None of his James Bond gear works in this dimension, so he spends the whole movie getting beat up. Note: the bit with the long-second watch in reverse was hilarious.

Overall, the flick has high energy, a halfway decent script, some babes, and some funny action scenes. I think in the scheme of Trancers fans, you either like number 3 or number 4, but never both. I have always tended to err on the side of 4 and 5, but neither of them is that great a flick.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, shlntv.

Review: Trancers 3: Deth Lives (1992)

2 out of 5 full moons

I've always considered T3 the weakest of the franchise, and upon re-viewing, I'm now convinced of this. Sure, 4 and 5 were "Romanian" Full Moons, but they had a bit more energy to them. With that said, Deth Lives is, of course, a must-watch for Full Moon fans, since this is really the franchise franchise.

What this installment lacks in momentum, it more than makes up for in one-liners. Jack gets to share zingers with a partner/trancette. And, for the last time in the series (so far, anyway), all the gang is back together: wife Helen Hunt, ex-wife Megan Ward, engineer/commander Telma Hopkins, and commander Raines.

Best Quote: Jack: "Hey, I've got a little lag here, and itsa helluvan adjustment!"

Shark: "Adjust to the adjustment."

So, anyway, the top trancer baddie in this one is Col. Daddy Muthah, played by Dirty Harry's nemesis, Andrew Robinson, with a southern accent and a whole bunch of military trancers at his beck-and-call (for superhuman, trancerized soldiers they do get killed real easy...).

I guess a 2 is a harsh rating, but I got bored at times watching this one. And, while it was nice to see Helen Hunt again, it was pretty boring and had lame efx. If you're like me and know what "Only squids can be tranced, baby" means, you'll rent/buy and enjoy.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, shnltv.

Review: Trancers 6 (2002)

3 out of 5 full moons

Zette Sullivan is this monkey's banana: she absolutely nails Tim Thomerson's Jack Deth, in the latest and greatest entry into the Trancers franchise. Trancers 6 is less about wasting Trancers than it is about Thomersonesque one-liners.

I'd give it a 4, but the plot's really pretty weak and the efx are less-than-TV quality. What Jay "used to be woeful" Woelfel does is turn the series into a scifi comedy, and it's a masterstroke.

Basic Premise: Jack has to "go down the line" and dust some trancers who are angling to take out his daughter (who is also his great-grandmother) or he'll stop existing. Woelfel uses a little stock Thomerson footage to get the thing going, then we cut right to the star of the show Jo Deth (Zette-baby!). She immediately gets fired by her trancer boss after reading him the riot act and zinging the other squids in the office, and the dusting trancers portion of the flick is on.

Definitely worth a rent if you liked the first.

Other Reviews: Dr. Gore, Spinning Image, b-independent, Cold Fusion.