Review: Sideshow (2000)

3 out of 5 full moons

A "3 full moons" is a bit harsh for this little Fred Olen Ray gem that spun nicely in my VCR last night. The flick is genuinely a "freak fest" and makeup efx guru Gabe Bartalos (of Basket Case fame!) does a ridiculously good job of making some gruesome and funny freaks with what must've been an itty-bitty budget.

Besides the freaks, Sideshow has Phil Fondacaro going for it, and he's at his best in this one. I'd rate it his best Full Moon performance to date, as he is by turn mean and funny and nice, all shot through with carny hucksterisms.

The plot is simple enough: teens visit creepy sideshow and get what they deserve. See, the good Dr. Graves (Fondacaro) has a little glass booth that turns people into freaks for his show. While it doesn't have little Ricky Coogan going for it, Sideshow does have enough fun and freaks to stand out from the Full Moon dreck of the 2000's.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, Your Video Shelf, Trash City.

Review: Voodoo Academy (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

I knew this would be bad going in: Dave DeCouteau directing a movie about a boy's school. He failed to disappoint. Voodoo Academy is now the worst Full Moon flick I've ever seen. Bar none.

The plot is thus: hot, rich widower Mrs. Bouvier (the 2000's Full Moon girl, Debra Mayer) runs a college with a crackpot reverend because they want to sucker some young, "pure" guys into a voodoo ritual that puts their heads on a tiny voodoo doll so that they can resurrect a really bad guy.

All fine and dandy, until you begin the meat of the movie, which is guys in their underwear talking about what's going on. The efx is lame. The dialogue isn't even funny in that "so-bad" sort of funny. And, of course, we get a short running time (though it feels like I've aged a year or so), a single set (gotta love a college dorm where all 6 students sleep in the same small room), and did I mention the sitting around talking in their underwear?

Trite. Mindless. Drivel.

Review: The Dead Hate the Living (2000)

4 out of 5 full moons

Just what I like to see in a post-90's Full Moon release: they really tried! The script is up to snuff - getting the film moving with a bang before we drop into character intros. The acting is enough to carry it along, and the sets and effects are great. Especially the effects!

What we get with The Dead Hate the Living that you won't find on most post-Paramount Full Moon flicks is gore! Certifiable gore! As for plot....sure, it's dumb, even trite, and most definitely unoriginal, but its also funny, quick, and bends over for gore.

Basically, we've got a small indie film crew with one camera shooting a zombie movie in some abandoned laboratory. There's some "in-jokes" about Romero and Savini and Campbell and Karloff and one of the crew members has a FULCI LIVES bumper sticker. Unfortunately for the crew, there's some real zombies and a mad scientist who brought them back to life in the lab as well. Yeah, you read that right: zombies and mad scientists!! Mayhem ensues. And the film hangs tight, but the ending....the ending is fantastic! No spoilers here.

More than a "rentable" little movie, I think, if you're a Full Moon fan you'll really fall a bit for this one.

Other Reviews: Cold Fusion, Bad Movie Report, 1000 Misspent Hours.

Review: The Horrible Doctor Bones (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

Let's just say that I recognize the sets from Killjoy. That's really all I need say about The Horrible Doctor Bones. It's horrible.

There are no best quotes to share with you. There are no thoughts of giving this a 2-full moon rating simply because "they tried". They didn't. After reviewing these post-90's Full Moon films it's really easy to see why the company was failing. I'll give credit to Band for trying hard to regroup after the Paramount deal fell through. He got some young guns (Draven, Bookwalter, Albright) to get some stuff shot on digital. He also hooked up with Big City Pictures to distribute their low-budget "urban" horror movies. And while it's all commendable that Band didn't fold in the tent and leave town, he really should have. The amount of garbage that Mel Johnson Jr's Big City team and the aforementioned Tempe Video team put out really sullied Band's empire.

While the new Full Moon Features may be working on even leaner budgets than these pre-collapse films, I'll take Gingerdead and Doll Graveyard over this Big City drivel any day.

The plot is a touch convoluted and really dumb: Dr. Bones is a music mogul and a witchdoctor who wants to synchronize his voodoo zombie chants with some fresh hip-hop and send it out to the world and turn us all into live zombies. It's a Pinky and the Brain episode. Bland acting, really cheap sets, five-dollare special effects and really rotten pacing don't help.

At least Pinky and Brain had a catchphrase...

Review: Witchouse 2: Blood Coven (2000)

2 out of 5 stars

Another Witchouse (this one, Blood Coven), another Romanian shoot. The film, like the first, is set in Covington county, MA, but was shot in and around Full Moon's Castel Studios in Bucharest. The "haunted house" exteriors is a local crematorium.

Best Quote: Soderquist: "If Clark could only use the power in his nasal passages for good instead of evil..."

Ok, so your question must be: How did that fullmoonreviewguy give the sequel a higher mark than the original? The answer is a bit complicated, because they both stink. But, really people, there's just not much difference between 1 and 2 stars....

The only thing (or, I should say, person) keeping Blood Coven's head above water is the casting of Andrew Prine (of Grizzly fame!) in a dual role. While he's not given much to work with in an uninspired script, there's something about that is eminently watchable.

You'll notice a bunch of "home movie" footage, I guess, cashing in on the Blair Witch craze the year prior (although director Bookwalter says it's an homage to his old movies directed in Cleveland...please...). The townspeople interviews shot in video were the only compelling thing in the flick, to be honest.

The build-up is ok. But the last fifteen minutes are some of the poorest creature v. human battles I've seen. Maybe worse than the Power Rangers. The special effects are so poor, and the action so dull, you'll be amazed that Band had this Bookwalter guy direct more crapfests for Full Moon.

Save your money.

Other Reviews: Joe Bob, Video Graveyard.

Review: Killjoy (2000)

1 out of 5 stars

Another evil clown movie. Why is Killjoy so special? Ah, here's the catch: we've got ourselves an "urban" evil clown movie. I guess "urban" means everybody's black, and the bad guys are wannabe-rapper, blunt-smokin' gang members. Geez, strike another drum for stereotypes...

I especially enjoyed our high school heroes enjoying cocktails at nightclubs and living with their girlfriends/boyfriends.

Best Quote: Jamal: "If we're gonna stop this clown mf'er, we gotta split up!" D'oh!

To be honest, there is nothing to recommend this movie. About the only positive thing I can figure is Killjoy's gnarled-up yellow teeth.

My main problems with the film is the lack of pace, ho-hum killings, non-existent sets, unfunny clown "mayhem", wooden acting, and Richard Kosinski's wannabe urban score. What irks me most is that producer Carl Washington alludes to the service films like his are performing for the black community, since the director and all of the cast members are black except for the token Latino.

My advice Mr. Washington: "Make a good movie. Or, really, an even 'passable' one...."

Other reviews: HorrorDVD's.