Review: Totem (1999)

3 out of 5 full moons

Man, I was in the mood for this the other night! I had just come off a weekend of Asylum Films dreck, and Totem hit the spot. So, the following review is gonna be: why I liked this movie / why you won't.

The plot follows a well-worn convention, by getting some kids (6, in this case) into a cabin in the woods on a dark and stormy night. What little originality there is plotwise, comes from the fact that the 6 kids have been summoned by some unknown force (the film begins with the 6th arriving) and can't get away because of some invisible barrier that turns them all slow.

The kids discover a graveyard containing an old stone totem with some monster statues. The graveyard seems to be the center of the circle of their confinement. As the bodies pile up, they discover that they have been summoned to wake a stone totem monster by killing each other (3 killers, 3 victims).

There is absolutely no action in this flick (and very little gore). Large chunks of conversations between the kids (becoming more and more panicked) make up most of the film, and in most b-movies that's the kiss of death. But, for Totem, there is a pretty good script and the actors convey the sense of impending doom (besides a brief make-out session) that is necessary for it all to work.

The final 5 minutes of Totem faces the ugly challenge of wrapping up the 3v3 kids, the three totem puppets, and two newly awoken zombies. The challenge is not met, and the film meanders through an almost incomprehensible ending with lots of thunder and lightning. The puppets just sort of hang out by the totem (I guess puppeteer Bergschneider wasn't around on the final day, and Dave DeCouteau couldn't figure out anything else to do...).

I know I'm being too kind with my 3 rating, but dammit, I liked this one, and would recommend it to any Full Moon fan who may be tiring of really fake gore efx, and just want a good story. But, please don't waste your time on this on my recommendation alone: I don't want you thinking I've lost my touch.

Other Reviews (all very negative): Monsters at Play, Buried.com, 1000 Misspent Hours.

Review: Sideshow (2000)

3 out of 5 full moons

A "3 full moons" is a bit harsh for this little Fred Olen Ray gem that spun nicely in my VCR last night. The flick is genuinely a "freak fest" and makeup efx guru Gabe Bartalos (of Basket Case fame!) does a ridiculously good job of making some gruesome and funny freaks with what must've been an itty-bitty budget.

Besides the freaks, Sideshow has Phil Fondacaro going for it, and he's at his best in this one. I'd rate it his best Full Moon performance to date, as he is by turn mean and funny and nice, all shot through with carny hucksterisms.

The plot is simple enough: teens visit creepy sideshow and get what they deserve. See, the good Dr. Graves (Fondacaro) has a little glass booth that turns people into freaks for his show. While it doesn't have little Ricky Coogan going for it, Sideshow does have enough fun and freaks to stand out from the Full Moon dreck of the 2000's.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, Your Video Shelf, Trash City.

Review: Voodoo Academy (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

I knew this would be bad going in: Dave DeCouteau directing a movie about a boy's school. He failed to disappoint. Voodoo Academy is now the worst Full Moon flick I've ever seen. Bar none.

The plot is thus: hot, rich widower Mrs. Bouvier (the 2000's Full Moon girl, Debra Mayer) runs a college with a crackpot reverend because they want to sucker some young, "pure" guys into a voodoo ritual that puts their heads on a tiny voodoo doll so that they can resurrect a really bad guy.

All fine and dandy, until you begin the meat of the movie, which is guys in their underwear talking about what's going on. The efx is lame. The dialogue isn't even funny in that "so-bad" sort of funny. And, of course, we get a short running time (though it feels like I've aged a year or so), a single set (gotta love a college dorm where all 6 students sleep in the same small room), and did I mention the sitting around talking in their underwear?

Trite. Mindless. Drivel.

Review: Doll Graveyard (2005)

3 out of 5 full moons

So, Charles Band has released 3 movies under the new incarnation that is Full Moon Features cum Wizard Entertainment. All three are about 60 minutes long. All three have basically a single set. All three have minimal characters. And, of course, all three have small and marketable mini-killers: Marvin the Homunculus from the piss-poor Decadent Evil, the Busey-cookie from the piss-and-vinegar The Gingerdead Man, and finally the four little killer puppet dolls from Doll Graveyard.

This is the last of the three new releases that I'm reviewing and is the hardest review to develop. I'm completely wishy-washy about the film. There's so much good in the premise, there's some funny deaths, some lovingly crafted mini-killers, that I gravitated for a long time (I watched this one with notecard in hand about 3 months ago) towards a good, solid 4-full-moon rating. But, alas, there is too little in this film.

I'd start with the running time ripoff (60 minutes!), but I discussed that ad nauseum in my Gingerdead and Decadent reviews. I would follow with being pissed off that the cool killer dolls only get about 5 minutes of screentime, but isn't that every Full Moon feature? Finally, I could groan about the gore efx, or lack thereof, but then we're talking about a 100-grand flick here, aren't we?

There's enough promise in the premise to get the film going: little girl is mistakenly killed by her more-than-austere father and buried in a hole in the backyard with her 4 little dolls: samurai doll, baby doll, African tribesman doll, and kaiser doll. And, yeah the dolls are pretty racially denigrating, but Band's idea was that they look like something from the early 1900's or something...

The film then follows a motherless family about 100 years later who have moved into the house. Nerdboy finds doll and father goes on a date so slutty older sister throws a party (need to get some offables into the house). Mayhem ensues (and lots of fake thunder and lightning), though not much, but there are a few bits of inspiration which I'll leave for you to discover.

So, I've given a wishy-washy rating. If you're a Full Moon fan, rent the damn thing (although you probably already have). If you're not and the Puppet Masters flicks, Demonic Toys flicks, Blood Dolls, or any of the other mini-killers do not amuse you, stay away. Stay very away.

Other Reviews: Warrenzone, Cold Fusion, Horror Channel.

Review: The Horrible Doctor Bones (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

Let's just say that I recognize the sets from Killjoy. That's really all I need say about The Horrible Doctor Bones. It's horrible.

There are no best quotes to share with you. There are no thoughts of giving this a 2-full moon rating simply because "they tried". They didn't. After reviewing these post-90's Full Moon films it's really easy to see why the company was failing. I'll give credit to Band for trying hard to regroup after the Paramount deal fell through. He got some young guns (Draven, Bookwalter, Albright) to get some stuff shot on digital. He also hooked up with Big City Pictures to distribute their low-budget "urban" horror movies. And while it's all commendable that Band didn't fold in the tent and leave town, he really should have. The amount of garbage that Mel Johnson Jr's Big City team and the aforementioned Tempe Video team put out really sullied Band's empire.

While the new Full Moon Features may be working on even leaner budgets than these pre-collapse films, I'll take Gingerdead and Doll Graveyard over this Big City drivel any day.

The plot is a touch convoluted and really dumb: Dr. Bones is a music mogul and a witchdoctor who wants to synchronize his voodoo zombie chants with some fresh hip-hop and send it out to the world and turn us all into live zombies. It's a Pinky and the Brain episode. Bland acting, really cheap sets, five-dollare special effects and really rotten pacing don't help.

At least Pinky and Brain had a catchphrase...

Review: Demonicus (2001)

2 out of 5 stars

Jay Woelfel's Demonicus is a Full Moon-as-shot-on-video steaming pile. The plot is moronic, and the acting is so bad I cringed. Repeatedly.

The saving grace of the production is not the dull pacing, nor the pitiful cave set, nor the dull bad guy, nor the one-dimensional victims; rather, it's the mountains. I gather the film was shot somewhere around Big Bear out there in Cullyfornia (Ah-nold country), and the scenery is really majestic and well shot.

The plot is the possession of a college kid by a long-buried gladiator's spirit who then goes out hunting his friends in the mountains so he can make a body-part stew, hum a few lines of latin, and resurrect the gladiator himself. A few of the kills are fun and ugly, but most of it is typical Full Moonish dullness. The shots are held too long exposing the gore as really fake. (sidenote: when is Band and his editors ever going to realize that fewer frames means less of a low-budgetness look to their gore and mayhem?)

I'm not going to spend all day on this one, racking my brain for something nice to say like I did for my Witchouse review and a few others. I'm just gonna sit here for a few moments and think about the $2.50 I wasted renting this dreck...

Other reviews: MicrocinemaScene, The Smartmarks, Badmovieplanet.

Review: Killjoy (2000)

1 out of 5 stars

Another evil clown movie. Why is Killjoy so special? Ah, here's the catch: we've got ourselves an "urban" evil clown movie. I guess "urban" means everybody's black, and the bad guys are wannabe-rapper, blunt-smokin' gang members. Geez, strike another drum for stereotypes...

I especially enjoyed our high school heroes enjoying cocktails at nightclubs and living with their girlfriends/boyfriends.

Best Quote: Jamal: "If we're gonna stop this clown mf'er, we gotta split up!" D'oh!

To be honest, there is nothing to recommend this movie. About the only positive thing I can figure is Killjoy's gnarled-up yellow teeth.

My main problems with the film is the lack of pace, ho-hum killings, non-existent sets, unfunny clown "mayhem", wooden acting, and Richard Kosinski's wannabe urban score. What irks me most is that producer Carl Washington alludes to the service films like his are performing for the black community, since the director and all of the cast members are black except for the token Latino.

My advice Mr. Washington: "Make a good movie. Or, really, an even 'passable' one...."

Other reviews: HorrorDVD's.

Review: Retro Puppet Master (1999)

5 out of 5 stars

Six-shooter, Tunnel Sergeant, Dr. Death, Pinhead, Cyclops, and Blade help the young Andre Toulon take out Sutek's Egyption henchman in the best sequel this series has seen.

Retro Puppet Master is atmospheric with many sets, quality acting and some fun puppet FX. What it lacks in gore, it makes up for with an interesting well-paced plot.

Best Quote: Dr. Death: "Don't you know, my friends? Smell the sulfur, see the smoke..."

This is easily the best Dave DeCoteau film I've seen. The actors do a more-than-credible job: Jack Donner as "Azfel" turns in an inspired performance, and the young Toulon does well with the puppets. Oh, and the ring-needle is cool.

John Massari's score is a nice symphonic take on the original Puppet Master tunes by Richard Band, keeping the movie playful and eerie. It's rare for a Full Moon score to actually add something to a film, and this one does.

Unfortunately, Dave Allen didn't seem to be affordable enough for Band and Co. in the late-90's and beyond, so all of the puppet action is done rod and string. There's no stop motion such as the famous and funny scene in the original where Pinhead's looking for his pinhead.

And, of course, as with all of the Full Moon fare of this time period, RPM was shot in and around Castel Studios in Bucharest, so most of the bit parts were cast to Romanians: hearing their "Parisian" accents was a bit annoying.

All in all, this is probably one of the top-10 Full Moon films. It's certainly the most inventive of the Puppet Master sequels.

Other Reviews: The Video Graveyard, All Horror Movies, and Obscure Horror.

Review: Witchouse (1999)

Tagline: "Evil Beyond Evil..."

2 out of 5 stars

I have a hard time with Dave DeCoteau movies, in general. Like most Albert Pyun suckfests, they drag, are confusing, and the gore is mishandled. Unfortunately, Witchouse is no different.

Set in Dunwich, MA, the film was shot at Full Moon's Castel Studios in Romania. Exteriors were shot in and around Bucharest.

Best Quote: Jack: "We're not in high school anymore, Bob. Why don't you put down the bong and realizet that!?"

There's not much to recommend here except for the sets and the Killjoy-ish teeth on the witches. The home wiring lesson from our applied-sciences major hero, Jack, is neat and actually becomes important later on....

I've got a laundry list of problems with the film, but I'll stick with 3 here:

1. The fake thunder and lightning is incessant. VERY, VERY ANNOYING. Only halfway through the movie and I was yelling at the screen...

2. The pace severely drags at several different points. So much of the movie is plot dumps and throwaway scenes that when anything resembling "film magic" happens you feel relieved. The "seance" is actually a 5-minute monologue. Ugh.

3. The deaths are really poorly executed (hehe, no pun intended...man I kill me!). Usually a Full Moon highlight, the deaths in this film are incredibly ill-shot and dull. The opening "knifings" are 8th grade level home movie quality.

The only reason this movie gets a "2" from me is because I think they tried.

Review: Tomb of Terror (2004)

1 out of 5 stars

Rented out 5 Full Moons last night and this is the first I watched. Tomb of Terror is an anthology of three "short" films which are actually 3 full length Full Moon films re-edited and "re-energized". Although the idea is neat, regular Full Moon viewers will be severely disappointed by the end product: 3 very chopped, almost incoherent shorts.

The transfer to DVD is terrible. It looks as though they used a regular old VHS/DVDr machine and made the transfer from a used rental video. You may get a headache watching all of the frame shakes.

I'll take the 3 stories as they come:

1. "Ascent from Hell", edited from the Full Moon feature, Dark Angel: The Ascent directed by Linda Hassani. Unfortunately, Full Moon Direct doesn't offer the full length movie on DVD yet. It is easily a 5 out of 5 stars and the re-edited and "re-energized" version here doesn't do the original the justice it deserves. (I always thought Dark Angel would be an excellent Full Moon serial.)

Best quote: Veronica's Mom: "You've got to apologize to your father, and promise him you'll give up these crazy ideas of yours. Otherwise, he may feel he has to destroy you." Note: her father is torturer in hell who punches guys in the nuts and cuts off their tongues....

Veronica is a hot hellspawn who decides to pay us mortals a visit. She falls in love with a doctor and begins a crusade against evil in her own ghastly way. What follows is a satanic Bewitched where heaven has decided the mayor of our unknown city must go.

The movie is atmospheric, funny, gory and a great effort from Full Moon. This frigged-up version stinks; but, it's the best of the three by far.

2. "Infinite Evil", edited from the Full Moon feature, Lurking Fear directed by C. Courtney Joyner. Jeffrey Combs fans beware: take the time to find a used version of the original. You'll spend the first 10 minutes of this re-edit just trying to figure out the plot.

Best quote: Dr. Specs (played by the great Vincent Schiavelli): "Wow, Syd, you're worth more dead than you ever were alive."

This will be a short review: A cemetery full of cannibals who come out to feed during thunderstorms is under siege from a kick-ass hottie and her crew, who in turn, are under siege from a group of criminals looking for a corpse stuffed with loot. I've never seen the original movie, so none of this plot made sense until near the end of the short. Basically, you've got a heist movie with too many turns of fate and really, some tame cannibals.

3. "Eternal Damnation", edited from the Full Moon Feature, Talisman directed by David DeCoteau (not Victoria Sloan, as noted on the credits of the feature). Not a good movie. Not a good re-edited movie, either.

Best quote: The Black Angel: "Ah, tears of young men: are they not the most poignant of all?"

The famous Full Moon castle in Romania plays a creepy boy's school in Eastern Europe for rich, troublemakers. Our hero is neither rich, nor troublemaker - he's an orphan! The baddie is a pasty, chrome-domed, red-eyed antichrist who rips flaming hearts from schoolboy chests. Luckily for humanity, our hero is both mischievous and curious enough to figure it out and save the day in a really piss-poor ending.

Horrorvision Review (note: I'd try to find someone with a better opinion of this dreck, but was unable...)

Review: The Gingerdead Man (2005)

4 out of 5 stars

I rented The Gingerdead Man last night. I think the Hollywood Video clerk smirked when I put my head down to find my membership card in my wallet, but I can't be sure.

I was actually a bit excited about the movie. It's been a long time since I've seen new Full Moon blood. So, first out of the gate is a serial killin' cookie played by the drunk and scaryfunny Gary Busey. Obviously, it's campy, and a little bit fun, and a little bit gory.

But, I'm a bit pissed that Band and co. would charge $19.99 for a 60-minute movie. Even the rental fee (it's considered a "new release") seemed a bit much. Maybe a dollar to rent and five to buy would be fair.

Best Quote: Amos: "Let's get the lights on. I wanna see this fucker when I blast him to crumbs."

Best Quote 2: Brick: "A mosh pit of tag-team damage and body slammage. And, in this corner: the Butcher Baker!"

The plot is no more convoluted than any other "serial-killer-comes-back-to-life-as-a-blank" flick. And there isn't much wasted momentum which is key to a flick like this, and obviously the result of Charles Band's ever efficient direction.

Gary Busey is paydirt! Hopefully, Gingerdead will be the beginning of a Full Moon renaissance for Mr. Crazy. One can only dream. His voice as the cookie, spewing out "Take that punk BITCH!!" invective is highlight-reel material. As is his opening scene, in full crazyBusey serial killin' glory.

The supporting cast is as good as needs be and a bit better. They seem to have a good old Texas Dazed and Confused sensibility. Especially noteworthy is "Amos", the funny, pure-hearted town delinquent who wears a "Pull My Finger" t-shirt.

I have only two problems (a bit nitpicky, I know):

1. the oven-baked mom didn't look all that oven-baked. Where's the gore?

2. The 30 or so shots that the cookie gets off with a six-shooter is kinda ridiculous.

Anyhow, overall a happy, if brief, return to the director's chair for Mr. Band has produced this bizarre little piece of film magic. I heartily endorse, and screw that sniveling gimp at Hollywood Video.

(found a good interview with Charles Band, which mentions all of his new projects and some back story on his career and the Full Moon label)

Other reviews: Draven99, Coldfusion Video Reviews, B-Ware the Blog, Dr. Gore, Horror's Not Dead

Review: Vampire Journals (1997)

5 out of 5 stars

I rented the Sci-Fi Channel version, William Shatner's Full Moon Fright Night Vol. 1: Vampire Journals. The DVD includes the original Full Moon Video featurette, a slew of trailers, and a Roadshow preview as well as the William Shatner stuff where the commercials would've been placed. Finally, and weirdly, the DVD includes Shatner interviewing Stan Lee.

The movie is an offshoot of director Ted Nicolaou's excellent Subspecies series. It features vampires from Master Radu's bloodline and the fairly complex plotlines of the film explore the relationships between master vampires (in this case, Ash) and others of their line. Nicolaou makes mention a few times of integrating Vampire Journals with the classic Subspecies themes to create a crossover at some point in the future; but it's possible all hope of such a film was lost during the Full Moon wane of the 2000's.

The pacing of Vampire Journals is excellent, though much slower and less gorier than Nicolaou's Subspecies work. A decayed, gothic feel is sustained throughout, with highbrow dialogue and subtle plot shifts. Most of the sideplots are resolved well before the ending, but all of them help depict the decay of master Ash's powers.

The main plot of the film centers around the "hero" vampire, Zachary, who has sworn to wipe out Radu's bloodline. He's traveled to Bucharest to hunt out the "music-lover", Ash. They square off over a pianist, and the rest is good watching.

The plot is interesting until the ending standoff, which is so terribly out of place, boring, and quick that it almost ruins the film. It doesn't; and more importantly, it leaves plenty of room for some sort of sequel. And, if there's room for a sequel or a crossover, Full Moon is a company that will give it a shot. Hopefully, Nicolaou is still interested. Considering that Vampire Journals was the first choice entry for the Shatner-hosted Sci-Fi Channel show, its a good bet the film carries a significant place in the heart of Full Moon.

One final comment: Vampire Journals and other top shelf Full Moon fare is the reason I've waded through every dreadful Albert Pyun suckfest in the catolog. You never know when you'll come across a gem.