Bad Moon Risin'

Petrified is now slated for a September 26th release. The trailer is online here. The Evil Bong trailer is here. EB is gonna come out October 26th. No mention of Cutter's Club.

I participated in my first "horror roundtable" over at the horror blog. As is evidenced by the 40+ fan emails I received following my masterful exposition, I was the clear winner. :)

A question has been rolling in my skull: When was the last (or only?) time you saw an African American actor in a Full Moon flick (Big City Pictures films don't count)?

Buried.com has an interview with Jay "Woeful" Woelfel (director of Demonicus and Trancers 6).

MJ Simpson.com has an interview with Danny Draven (edited Tomb of Terror, and the three newest titles, and directed Horrorvision).

Review: Backlash: Oblivion 2 (1996)

4 out of 5 full moons

Oblivion and Oblivion 2 are easily the best non-R-rated Full Moon flicks I've seen.

Backlash picks up where the first ended: Zach is the new sheriff, his friends Stella (Meg Foster) and Buteo (Jimmie F. Skaggs) are his deputies, Lash is still teamed up with dumb-but-strong Irwin Keyes (yes, Jaws from James Bond), and so on, and so on.

It's a scifi western, love triangle, mystery thriller all rolled into one. Sweeney, the galaxy's most feared bounty hunter, rolls into Oblivion looking for an arch-criminal in disguise. Zach immediately offers up Lash as the bad mama, but soon realized she's not the one. Stuff happens for an hour and we end up with another giant scorpion finale.

Maybe the best role in the whole thing goes to George Takei's bumbling doctor/mad scientist, Doc Valentine whose penchant for drunken rambling turns out quite funny.

Review: Totem (1999)

3 out of 5 full moons

Man, I was in the mood for this the other night! I had just come off a weekend of Asylum Films dreck, and Totem hit the spot. So, the following review is gonna be: why I liked this movie / why you won't.

The plot follows a well-worn convention, by getting some kids (6, in this case) into a cabin in the woods on a dark and stormy night. What little originality there is plotwise, comes from the fact that the 6 kids have been summoned by some unknown force (the film begins with the 6th arriving) and can't get away because of some invisible barrier that turns them all slow.

The kids discover a graveyard containing an old stone totem with some monster statues. The graveyard seems to be the center of the circle of their confinement. As the bodies pile up, they discover that they have been summoned to wake a stone totem monster by killing each other (3 killers, 3 victims).

There is absolutely no action in this flick (and very little gore). Large chunks of conversations between the kids (becoming more and more panicked) make up most of the film, and in most b-movies that's the kiss of death. But, for Totem, there is a pretty good script and the actors convey the sense of impending doom (besides a brief make-out session) that is necessary for it all to work.

The final 5 minutes of Totem faces the ugly challenge of wrapping up the 3v3 kids, the three totem puppets, and two newly awoken zombies. The challenge is not met, and the film meanders through an almost incomprehensible ending with lots of thunder and lightning. The puppets just sort of hang out by the totem (I guess puppeteer Bergschneider wasn't around on the final day, and Dave DeCouteau couldn't figure out anything else to do...).

I know I'm being too kind with my 3 rating, but dammit, I liked this one, and would recommend it to any Full Moon fan who may be tiring of really fake gore efx, and just want a good story. But, please don't waste your time on this on my recommendation alone: I don't want you thinking I've lost my touch.

Other Reviews (all very negative): Monsters at Play, Buried.com, 1000 Misspent Hours.

25 and counting...

I've now seen over 30 Full Moon pics in about two months. Yes, that's 1 every 2 days. And, yes that is waaay too many for the average brain to handle. But, alas, my brain is stupid.

Along the way, I've gone through periods of intense hatred for the Huckster, as well as times of admiration, fondness, and amazement. I've also gone through about a hundred bucks in rental fees, and now used VHS purchases.

My personal Full Moon library has gone from 0 to about 10, not including the Subspecies box set I got from FullMoonDirect.com. I've basically cleaned out my local Hollywood Video of used Full Moon VHS tapes, and am now the proud owner of such masterpieces as Totem, The Killer Eye and Alien Arsenal.

I'm gonna have to find some new places to buy (not eBay: those a-holes want like 4 dollars for shipping and handling for a .95 cent tape!).

I'm hoping FM will get off their asses and get Petrified out to the masses. My gut is pegging it as a 2 out of 5 rating, with a couple of good scenes and a "70"-minute runtime, but I'm hoping it's a 3. I'm really hoping. I think a 4 is too much to ask for, as it seems like it's the same plot as Shrieker (which, along with Creeps and Head of the Family, is a flick I'm actually looking forward to reviewing!).

Oh, and the wikipedia page for Full Moon is actually pretty good, including some innuendo and rumors and maybe a bit too much about JR Bookwalter. It's interesting to read the rights history to these films, and it looks like most of them from the Paramount era will never make it onto DVD, and those that do will be distributed by Anchor Bay (which is a good thing if you ask me).

Until then, try the teaser of Evil Bong.

Review: Alien Arsenal (1999)

2 out of 5 full moons.

I've really gone and crapped on the toilet this time. You see, Alien Arsenal isn't just a Full Moon pic. It's part of the Full Moon-meets-Disney Channel-dreckfest that is Full Moon's ActionFX/PulsePounders line of PG-13 Dave DeCouteau films. I've been dreading watching these ever since I started this stupid blog.

The only reason I'm steering away from a one-rating, is the lead actor, Josh Hammond who plays a good nerd. He's sort of Corey Haim, and he keeps the movie moving through all of it's Power Rangers efx and gaping plot-holes. The tomboy sidekick is played well by Danielle Hoover, but that's about the end of my niceties.

The movie's premise is really simple: Aliens have left an arsenal in the basement of the high school and now that it's been opened by our leads, they're gonna destroy the planet. They equip the head bully in Alien gear to be archnemesis to our nerd hero in alien gear. Unfortunately, the script or DeCouteau, or both, seem to believe that we need to be spoonfed the plot in a bunch of worthless conversations which make up half of the film.

When the action does happen, it's terribly inept, and we get a series of Commodore 64 blips and laser efx to enhance the fights. Yawn. The aliens themselves are introduced as 3 Kraut-rock twins at school and there is a bit of humor to them that quickly wears off.

The whole flick wears off after about 30 minutes. Pass on it.

Other Reviews: TrenchMan (really fun review), SF H and F Reviews.

Review: Trancers 4: Jack of Swords (1994)

3 out of 5 full moons.

In Trancers 4, we find Jack returning to the future (his present). He's got Shark's head as a lampshade now, and instead of a Trancer-hunter, he's now a timecop. Big whoop.

There seems to be a disturbance in the time continuum in Kansas and so Jack climbs into his little phone booth looking time-machine. He gets accosted by an alien and is sent, instead, to some alternate dimension where people are scared of some sword-wielding trancer nobles. Basically, he's sent to Full Moon studios in Romania where they can film both Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 at the same time to save money and be able to afford Thomerson.

Jack gets some sweet one-liners and some duds (you just know there's gonna be a "This doesn't look like Kansas" line). Unfortunately, Jack also gets his ass kicked. All the time. None of his James Bond gear works in this dimension, so he spends the whole movie getting beat up. Note: the bit with the long-second watch in reverse was hilarious.

Overall, the flick has high energy, a halfway decent script, some babes, and some funny action scenes. I think in the scheme of Trancers fans, you either like number 3 or number 4, but never both. I have always tended to err on the side of 4 and 5, but neither of them is that great a flick.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, shlntv.

Full Moon blogged...

Trash City has a nice little review retrospective called Charles Band's Doll Squad in honor of The Huckster's visit to Phoenix in the fall...

Note that the next Full Moon release, Petrified, is still in post-production, though The Huckster had previously slotted a June release for the undead-mummy flick. So, it looks like Petrified, then Cutter's Club, then Evil Bong...

Skewed and Reviewed has interviews with actors from Ginderdead and Doll Graveyard...

Thanks for the publicity to Warren from his rechristened 150 Days of Sodom. I always read Warren. Always.

Review: Sideshow (2000)

3 out of 5 full moons

A "3 full moons" is a bit harsh for this little Fred Olen Ray gem that spun nicely in my VCR last night. The flick is genuinely a "freak fest" and makeup efx guru Gabe Bartalos (of Basket Case fame!) does a ridiculously good job of making some gruesome and funny freaks with what must've been an itty-bitty budget.

Besides the freaks, Sideshow has Phil Fondacaro going for it, and he's at his best in this one. I'd rate it his best Full Moon performance to date, as he is by turn mean and funny and nice, all shot through with carny hucksterisms.

The plot is simple enough: teens visit creepy sideshow and get what they deserve. See, the good Dr. Graves (Fondacaro) has a little glass booth that turns people into freaks for his show. While it doesn't have little Ricky Coogan going for it, Sideshow does have enough fun and freaks to stand out from the Full Moon dreck of the 2000's.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, Your Video Shelf, Trash City.

Review: Voodoo Academy (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

I knew this would be bad going in: Dave DeCouteau directing a movie about a boy's school. He failed to disappoint. Voodoo Academy is now the worst Full Moon flick I've ever seen. Bar none.

The plot is thus: hot, rich widower Mrs. Bouvier (the 2000's Full Moon girl, Debra Mayer) runs a college with a crackpot reverend because they want to sucker some young, "pure" guys into a voodoo ritual that puts their heads on a tiny voodoo doll so that they can resurrect a really bad guy.

All fine and dandy, until you begin the meat of the movie, which is guys in their underwear talking about what's going on. The efx is lame. The dialogue isn't even funny in that "so-bad" sort of funny. And, of course, we get a short running time (though it feels like I've aged a year or so), a single set (gotta love a college dorm where all 6 students sleep in the same small room), and did I mention the sitting around talking in their underwear?

Trite. Mindless. Drivel.

I wish Charles Band would've thought of...

1. The Leprechaun series. Just imagine Phil Fondacaro as the limerick-spoutin' killer! It really would've fit the Full Moon franchise well. Just as Band was opening up to Alchemy Entertainment/Big City Pictures for their lame brand of "urban horror", Warwick Davis was goin' Back 2 tha Hood!

2. The Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. Hmmmm. It's 1984 and Charles Band's Empire Pictures is set to release the most profitable film it will ever make (bad publicity makes money): Stuart Gordon's Silent Night, Deadly Night, starring Jeffrey Combs as our axe-wielding Saint Nick! In sequels 6 and 7, released some time after the Paramount well dries up, Band can add helpful homicidal elves that can be turned into marketable toys!

3. The Carnosaur flicks. Look, it's simple: Band had all of the props and shtick ready from the Prehysteria kiddie films! How much cooler would it have been to have Brinke Stevens, Julie Strain and Karen Smith running topless from some lame-o dinos?

4. The Barbarians! I'm sorry, but the Barbarian Brothers meet the Band Brothers is just too easy. Charlie produces, Albert directs (I know, I know, it's his kid!), and Richard scores the 80's synthesizer music. It would've coincided perfectly with Full Moon. The first flick could've been the R-rated scifi/horror/actioner with some boobs, puppets, and cheap efx. And then, just as the Barbs did anyway, Band could've prodded them into his burgeoning kidvids.

5. The Mad Max Trilogy. Mel friggin' Gibson?? Naw. Try Tim Thomerson on for size. See how easy that just rolls off the tongue....Tim Thomerson is Mad Max. Cool. Tough. And blighted wasteland one-liners. Sure, Full Moon would've never gotten Tina Turner for Thunderdome, but Grace Jones was available and can sing too!

Review: The Killer Eye (1999)

1 out of 5 full moons

An unscarier bad guy than Killjoy? A dumber premise than Dr. Bones? A more hackneyed script than Horrorvision? Has Dave DeCouteau directed the worst film of his softcore-horror career? Was Killer Eye really only 80 minutes long instead of the 4 hours of drivel it seemed?

These questions and more on the next episode of Seizures from Boredom!

What could've been a fun, campy and maybe a bit gory premise is emasculated completely by DD's need to show boobs at all expense. Unfortunately, the expense is paid by plot, efx, and characters. In the hands of Henenlotter I'd probably be groveling at the feet of this flick, but as it is, I can't wait for this review to be done, so I can go out back and burn this VHS into friggin' ash.

Basically: a mad scientist makes a gigolo's eye fall out via some dumb experiment with eye drops for seeing the 8th dimension. The eye grows bigger than a human head, gets upright on its optic nerve, stares at some medical posters about genitalia that happen to be posted up on the wall of the lab, and walks away. It diddles the scientist's wife who's been sleeping with two druggies next door, then diddles the scientist's assistant's wife in the shower, then they all chase each other around diddling. There's a few deaths (I guess they died, when they disappeared?) and some boobs and it's all very slow and lame.

Also, we get Full Moon's Jeffrey Combs-wannabe, Blake Bailey playing Creepy Bill, which is really a sad knockoff of Brad Pitt playing Jeffrey Goines in 12 Monkeys.

Finally, there is absolutely nothing worse in a movie than constant fake thunder and lighting. Along with lameness and boobs, this seems to be a DD specialty.

Other Reviews: Video Graveyard, Scheib, They're Coming to Get You, Barbara (hilarious).