Review: Trancers 3: Deth Lives (1992)

2 out of 5 full moons

I've always considered T3 the weakest of the franchise, and upon re-viewing, I'm now convinced of this. Sure, 4 and 5 were "Romanian" Full Moons, but they had a bit more energy to them. With that said, Deth Lives is, of course, a must-watch for Full Moon fans, since this is really the franchise franchise.

What this installment lacks in momentum, it more than makes up for in one-liners. Jack gets to share zingers with a partner/trancette. And, for the last time in the series (so far, anyway), all the gang is back together: wife Helen Hunt, ex-wife Megan Ward, engineer/commander Telma Hopkins, and commander Raines.

Best Quote: Jack: "Hey, I've got a little lag here, and itsa helluvan adjustment!"

Shark: "Adjust to the adjustment."

So, anyway, the top trancer baddie in this one is Col. Daddy Muthah, played by Dirty Harry's nemesis, Andrew Robinson, with a southern accent and a whole bunch of military trancers at his beck-and-call (for superhuman, trancerized soldiers they do get killed real easy...).

I guess a 2 is a harsh rating, but I got bored at times watching this one. And, while it was nice to see Helen Hunt again, it was pretty boring and had lame efx. If you're like me and know what "Only squids can be tranced, baby" means, you'll rent/buy and enjoy.

Other Reviews: Stomp Tokyo, shnltv.

Review: Trancers 6 (2002)

3 out of 5 full moons

Zette Sullivan is this monkey's banana: she absolutely nails Tim Thomerson's Jack Deth, in the latest and greatest entry into the Trancers franchise. Trancers 6 is less about wasting Trancers than it is about Thomersonesque one-liners.

I'd give it a 4, but the plot's really pretty weak and the efx are less-than-TV quality. What Jay "used to be woeful" Woelfel does is turn the series into a scifi comedy, and it's a masterstroke.

Basic Premise: Jack has to "go down the line" and dust some trancers who are angling to take out his daughter (who is also his great-grandmother) or he'll stop existing. Woelfel uses a little stock Thomerson footage to get the thing going, then we cut right to the star of the show Jo Deth (Zette-baby!). She immediately gets fired by her trancer boss after reading him the riot act and zinging the other squids in the office, and the dusting trancers portion of the flick is on.

Definitely worth a rent if you liked the first.

Other Reviews: Dr. Gore, Spinning Image, b-independent, Cold Fusion.

Review: The Dead Hate the Living (2000)

4 out of 5 full moons

Just what I like to see in a post-90's Full Moon release: they really tried! The script is up to snuff - getting the film moving with a bang before we drop into character intros. The acting is enough to carry it along, and the sets and effects are great. Especially the effects!

What we get with The Dead Hate the Living that you won't find on most post-Paramount Full Moon flicks is gore! Certifiable gore! As for plot....sure, it's dumb, even trite, and most definitely unoriginal, but its also funny, quick, and bends over for gore.

Basically, we've got a small indie film crew with one camera shooting a zombie movie in some abandoned laboratory. There's some "in-jokes" about Romero and Savini and Campbell and Karloff and one of the crew members has a FULCI LIVES bumper sticker. Unfortunately for the crew, there's some real zombies and a mad scientist who brought them back to life in the lab as well. Yeah, you read that right: zombies and mad scientists!! Mayhem ensues. And the film hangs tight, but the ending....the ending is fantastic! No spoilers here.

More than a "rentable" little movie, I think, if you're a Full Moon fan you'll really fall a bit for this one.

Other Reviews: Cold Fusion, Bad Movie Report, 1000 Misspent Hours.

Review: Doll Graveyard (2005)

3 out of 5 full moons

So, Charles Band has released 3 movies under the new incarnation that is Full Moon Features cum Wizard Entertainment. All three are about 60 minutes long. All three have basically a single set. All three have minimal characters. And, of course, all three have small and marketable mini-killers: Marvin the Homunculus from the piss-poor Decadent Evil, the Busey-cookie from the piss-and-vinegar The Gingerdead Man, and finally the four little killer puppet dolls from Doll Graveyard.

This is the last of the three new releases that I'm reviewing and is the hardest review to develop. I'm completely wishy-washy about the film. There's so much good in the premise, there's some funny deaths, some lovingly crafted mini-killers, that I gravitated for a long time (I watched this one with notecard in hand about 3 months ago) towards a good, solid 4-full-moon rating. But, alas, there is too little in this film.

I'd start with the running time ripoff (60 minutes!), but I discussed that ad nauseum in my Gingerdead and Decadent reviews. I would follow with being pissed off that the cool killer dolls only get about 5 minutes of screentime, but isn't that every Full Moon feature? Finally, I could groan about the gore efx, or lack thereof, but then we're talking about a 100-grand flick here, aren't we?

There's enough promise in the premise to get the film going: little girl is mistakenly killed by her more-than-austere father and buried in a hole in the backyard with her 4 little dolls: samurai doll, baby doll, African tribesman doll, and kaiser doll. And, yeah the dolls are pretty racially denigrating, but Band's idea was that they look like something from the early 1900's or something...

The film then follows a motherless family about 100 years later who have moved into the house. Nerdboy finds doll and father goes on a date so slutty older sister throws a party (need to get some offables into the house). Mayhem ensues (and lots of fake thunder and lightning), though not much, but there are a few bits of inspiration which I'll leave for you to discover.

So, I've given a wishy-washy rating. If you're a Full Moon fan, rent the damn thing (although you probably already have). If you're not and the Puppet Masters flicks, Demonic Toys flicks, Blood Dolls, or any of the other mini-killers do not amuse you, stay away. Stay very away.

Other Reviews: Warrenzone, Cold Fusion, Horror Channel.

Review: Bloodstorm: Subspecies 4 (1998)

5 out of 5 full moons

Since the series was originally planned as a trilogy, going into Bloodstorm I wasn't sure whether the fourth entry would be a useless appendage or a worthy contribution to the mythos.

It was obvious there would have to be a fairly lengthy and complicated resurrection of Radu: he was convincingly offed in the finale of Bloodlust. Instead of complication we get absurdity. His burning body falls into a river, the flames are doused, he sucks on the bloodstone a little and in broad daylight (he's a goddamn vampire!?) he stumbles across a field, into the castle, and makes for his crypt. One minute in and the film is seriously stumbling...

Alas, Ted Nicolaou hits his stride and makes directly for the goods. We get the introduction of smart and flaky Dr. Niculescu and Radu's lieutenant, the music-loving, upper-crust Ash. The storyline that follows lifts this sequel above the other two.

Best Quote: Ion: "Bullets are useless against a vampire." Lupo: "Even so, a false sense of security is better than no sense of security."

All in all, the best entry into the series. Makes you wish it would continue...

Why is Radu cool?

1. He's destroyed in increasingly convincing ways in each film, yet keeps getting back up.

2. He shows a girl how much he loves her by destroying his whole family and attempting to do the same to hers.

3. He drools blood. All the time.

4. Sometimes he sounds like the Godfather.

Review: The Horrible Doctor Bones (2000)

1 out of 5 full moons

Let's just say that I recognize the sets from Killjoy. That's really all I need say about The Horrible Doctor Bones. It's horrible.

There are no best quotes to share with you. There are no thoughts of giving this a 2-full moon rating simply because "they tried". They didn't. After reviewing these post-90's Full Moon films it's really easy to see why the company was failing. I'll give credit to Band for trying hard to regroup after the Paramount deal fell through. He got some young guns (Draven, Bookwalter, Albright) to get some stuff shot on digital. He also hooked up with Big City Pictures to distribute their low-budget "urban" horror movies. And while it's all commendable that Band didn't fold in the tent and leave town, he really should have. The amount of garbage that Mel Johnson Jr's Big City team and the aforementioned Tempe Video team put out really sullied Band's empire.

While the new Full Moon Features may be working on even leaner budgets than these pre-collapse films, I'll take Gingerdead and Doll Graveyard over this Big City drivel any day.

The plot is a touch convoluted and really dumb: Dr. Bones is a music mogul and a witchdoctor who wants to synchronize his voodoo zombie chants with some fresh hip-hop and send it out to the world and turn us all into live zombies. It's a Pinky and the Brain episode. Bland acting, really cheap sets, five-dollare special effects and really rotten pacing don't help.

At least Pinky and Brain had a catchphrase...

Review: Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994)

4 out of 5 full moons

Ok, so picking up right where we left off with Bloodstone, Bloodlust continues the story of blood-drooler Radu, lovely and newly-vampired Michelle, and Michelle's sister Rebecca. Also vampired up now is Liuetenant Marin.

Radu continues to be the star of the series, but Michelle gains serious momentum in this film. She portrays a new vampire with an anxiety that seems realistic for such an outlandish bunch of plots. The other actors round out a solid cast, but, of course, Anders Hove's Radu is the terribly engaging monstrosity that you can't get enough of.

Best Quote: Radu: "There is no love between the living and the dead. What you feel is hunger."

Amen, brother. These and some other cool-ass vampire lines are delivered with an almost Godfather-Brando quality of voice. Just for giggles, try them yourself, in your best Brando voice:

"See the fear pulsing in his veins. Drink. Savor his agony."

or,

"I have killed my father...my brother and my mother. I have wiped out my

entire bloodline for you. And what do you offer me in return?"

Anyhow, I gave it a four only because of the 10 minutes of unwelcome intrusion by Bob, the CIA guy. An armed siege againt a vampire's castle is kind of cool, but Bob has dead extra writte all over him.

Tips for the newly vampired:

1. Make sure when night falls, you wake up from your coffin first.

2. Don't drool out half the blood you suck.

3. Have someone guard you during the day.

4. Don't chain your enemies to walls with old, flimsy iron and then go to sleep.

Review: Castle Freak (1995)

5 out of 5 full moons

The question posed is this: if you are, say, 40 years old; have been chained to a wall your entire life; have been flogged daily when given your meal; and know nothing of humanity save for your twisted mother who has provided you this existence, what do you become?

I'll ask an imaginary college class:

Fair Ellen, who grew up in Pleasantville, who lost your virginity at sweet 16 to a fine young football player to whom you're now engaged, how say you? "Well, he's gotta be like crazy, and scared of like women and food!"

And young Trevor, "Mr. Smart Guy", "Mr. Unfocused Anger", have a go, will you? "We're all going through it at some level as society slowly grinds us into neat little squares..."

And, finally, you, Mr. Stuart Gordon, he with the knack for taking a hundred thousand dollars and creating visually stunning, complex little horror movies....what do you think? "Disturbing mayhem, sir!"

You are correct Mr. Gordon! Much mayhem can be had if the mother dies, a troubled little family moves in, and our Castle Freak gets hungry enough to break his bonds.

If for some reason you have set about to watch all of the 150+ Full Moon films and review each of them and Castle Freak is roughly the twentieth of said films, you'll be very, very surprised: it's scary. Serious and scary. There are no killer dolls. There are no boobs-for-the-sake-of-boobs. There are no teenagers getting stoned. No synthesized Richard Band scores (he had the foresight to orchestrate this one...).

The set, the Italian supporting cast, Barbara Crampton's screams, the whole disentegrating family subplot, and the freak himself (in full body make-up, no less!) highlight an inventive take on the slasher genre. Unlike 90 percent of Full Moon fare I've seen, the gore is actually gory: no silly camera-cut decapitations, post-production wavy lines, rod puppets, or blood sprayed from ridiculous off-camera angles.

Fair Ellen, Young Trevor, and the rest of you must check it out...

Other Reviews: Cold Fusion, Fright Site, Blog Critics, They're Coming.

Review: Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993)

4 out of 5 stars

So, with a minor hit on his hands, Band sends Ted Nicolaou back to Romania to film two more Subspecies flicks to complete a trilogy. Most of the first cast is unavailable, the notable exception being our boogieman Anders Hove (Radu). Presto!, and we get Bloodstone.

The film picks up right where the first ends, and we get our first taste of Radu getting put back together (remember, there are two more sequels after this). The plot centers around Radu and his mom, the mummified sorcerer alluded to in the original whom he calls "mummy", and Michelle, the newly minted vampire hottie whom Radu so desires.

Michelle is played by Full Moon regular Denice Duff this time around, and she does a really fantastic job going through the wants, needs, and pains associated with being a new vampire. Of course, Anders Hove is the center of the Subspecies universe and he turns in another spectacularly manic performance.

Best quote: Radu: "I bring you a sacred gift...the blood of my father. The king is...but a memory."

So, the travails of the newly vampired: Michelle gets found "dead" in the bathtub of her hotel room during the day, and quickly escapes her body bag when night falls. We then are introduced to a police character: Lieutenant Marin, a bumbling sandwich-eating amalgamation of every 60's TV private eye you've seen.

Her sister arrives from the states and forms a bond with the US embassy man as they try to find Michelle, and all sorts of running around Bucharest and the Vladislava castle ensue. The plot is just good enough to provide filler between scenes as we wait for more Radu and his mom.

Tips for Vampire Hunters:

1. No sleeping in on the day of the hunt. If you wait until late afternoon to go after a vampire, chances are your prey will awaken right as you are about to drive that stake through his heart.

2. No metal! Use wood, dummy!

3. No walking backwards in dark, creepy vampire-infested places. Duh.

Other reviews: Darkness Embraced, eSplatter, Subspecies Fan Page.

Review: Demonicus (2001)

2 out of 5 stars

Jay Woelfel's Demonicus is a Full Moon-as-shot-on-video steaming pile. The plot is moronic, and the acting is so bad I cringed. Repeatedly.

The saving grace of the production is not the dull pacing, nor the pitiful cave set, nor the dull bad guy, nor the one-dimensional victims; rather, it's the mountains. I gather the film was shot somewhere around Big Bear out there in Cullyfornia (Ah-nold country), and the scenery is really majestic and well shot.

The plot is the possession of a college kid by a long-buried gladiator's spirit who then goes out hunting his friends in the mountains so he can make a body-part stew, hum a few lines of latin, and resurrect the gladiator himself. A few of the kills are fun and ugly, but most of it is typical Full Moonish dullness. The shots are held too long exposing the gore as really fake. (sidenote: when is Band and his editors ever going to realize that fewer frames means less of a low-budgetness look to their gore and mayhem?)

I'm not going to spend all day on this one, racking my brain for something nice to say like I did for my Witchouse review and a few others. I'm just gonna sit here for a few moments and think about the $2.50 I wasted renting this dreck...

Other reviews: MicrocinemaScene, The Smartmarks, Badmovieplanet.